By Jon Dunnemann
Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Yes I've been churched. It began for me at a little storefront Pentecostal church located on Roseland Avenue in Caldwell, NJ back in the early 1960's. Shortly thereafter, my older brother, younger sister and I all started going to The First Presbyterian Church at Caldwell situated at the corner of Bloomfield Ave. & Roseland Ave. It was there that I regularly attended Sunday School, participated in the children's singing choir, joined the Cub Scouts, and learned to play basketball with other boys through the youth basketball league sponsored by the YMCA of Montclair, New Jersey.
Although, I don't recall my Mother ever being in church it was mandatory for all of us as children to attend. Despite my generally being much too rambunctious, Church was a place where I knew quite well that I had better act well behaved, causing no distraction at any time to others. Oddly enough, this happened to be the one setting in which I found myself able to exercise good self-control. I think that this had everything to do with having reverence and respect for the church sanctuary and facilities and the reassuring demeanor of the church teachers and leaders. I preferred being in the church then to being at home so much so that I used to hide in the closet when it was time to leave for the day until everyone was gone. When I was absolutely sure that no one else remained in the building, I would come out and go into the gym and shoot hoops until I was exhausted or it became dark outside. At other times, I traveled through every area of the church hoping to discover something that I'd never seen before. Some boyhood adventure right? The only thing that it cost then was time.
As a young boy raised in a household headed by a single-mother, for me church became the place where I felt happy, relaxed, and confident in my own black skin and because I was taught first and foremost to believe in the promises of God. Moreover, being poor was not perceived as some permanent condition any more than one remaining in an unsaved state of being. I believed then and I certainly do believe now that there will always be a way out for me and for others if we steadfastly choose to walk by faith and to pursue spiritual wisdom.
My living circumstances changed once a teenager, I became a Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) foster child of the State of New Jersey relocating to East Orange, NJ where I attended Clifford J. Scott High School and later went on to graduate from the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester, MA. During those very formative years, I was a student and an athlete and I regularly attended Sunday services at the First Baptist Church of Vauxhall NJ which was built on the revivalist tradition, drawing on the praise-and-worship style of the Southern Baptist Convention, and guided by Rev. Dr. Marion J. Franklin, Jr.'s Pastoral leadership and where he is still pastoring today. Pastor Franklin taught me that generally "we’re all waiting for something". The bible instructs us that we are all waiting expectantly and with hope. Fundamental to being able to wait is trusting God’s character and goodness knowing that He will come at the perfect moment, not a second too soon or too late.
It might be a job or a spouse. It might be healing or a home. Regardless of what we're waiting for, it’s easy to feel discontent when things aren’t going as planned and our dreams are delayed—especially when questions of “Why?” and “How long?” remain unanswered.
Rev. Dr. Marion Franklin also graciously provided me with a formal recommendation when I applied to and gained admission to the Chicago Theological Seminary to pursue a Masters in Theological Studies (MTS) back in 1978. I chose to defer my admission for one year to work and try to save money to afford the first year of studies. As God would have it, I met my wife that year at a house party, fell madly in love, and then placed my original dreams of becoming a youth pastor on hold.
After our first year of marriage and one year of working at night for Irving Trust Company New York at One Wall Street in NYC, I decided to apply to Drew Theological Seminary to pursue a Masters in Divinity. Upon acceptance, my wife now in medical school had no interest in returning to living in an on campus setting (or eating cafeteria food) which at the time the Drew Theological Seminary required for its first year students. By then, I must admit that I thought that it was not God's will for me to pursue seminary studies. So I just went on to diligently spend the next thirty plus years growing a family together, working in both the financial services and healthcare industry, and eventually rising to the position of Vice President without a degree in business administration. Most challenging for all of us was overcoming the loss of our first child at the early age of eleven years old to a tragic motor vehicle related accident. We had to learn and practice forgiveness of ourselves and of others.
Together, we raised our second boy to put his trust in God, to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, and with tremendous gratitude we have all been enormously blessed by the love, prayers and support of our family, friends and Immanuel Bible Church in Howell, New Jersey where for a long time we attended Sunday Church Services, Community Group, Bible Study, participated in a Growing Kids God's Way Program, and had our son enrolled in Sunday School, the AWANA Program, and where my wife and I volunteered and taught children's Sunday School.
Even with all of this going in our favor, I still reached a point in which I felt a sense of emptiness and discontent, for a period of time I fell off track, and became lost in the wilderness for what seemed like an eternity. Something vitally important was missing in my life and I could not put my hand on exactly what it was for the longest time. Eventually though, I came to recognize that it was a matter of "inner-work" or the process of deliberately changing myself to become the person that I wanted and knew that I could become more fully for so long, lacked the courage to transform into, and that I simply could not put off my individuation any longer. I desperately needed and became intent on exploring and defining an integrated approach to finding and reexamining my cultural and spiritual identity. So a few years ago, I decided to begin rigorously searching for the light switch within and I promised myself that when I found it, I would clearly mark it and better protect it, and that when and if possible one day I would find sound ways and the educational means by which to share the results of my personal experience and path to self awareness with others regardless of ethnicity, gender, religion, sexuality, or disability so that they too could discover for themselves how to live more completely, less encumbered or limited by what other people might think of them and to set about the ordering of their personal affairs.
This principal preoccupation in every spare moment that I could muster over several years led me back through the tracks of my tears and stumblings as a child, as an adolescent, as a young adult, and as a male to where I could rediscover myself and all of the treasures that I allowed to lay dormant for so long there embedded in the bumpy road of life experience and story. As many medical professionals will tell you and of course I had to learn for myself, denying your self-expression can and unfortunately often does lead to depression.
Now, I can tell you that I completely understand that to s/he who is given much, much will be expected. What I now expect most from all of this and of myself is to use everything available to me to help in reducing some of the unnecessary obstacles that are likely to be found in the path of those set to come behind me especially in our challenging African American urban communities. I have painfully learned how to walk with a newly "empowering faith". One that has been ruggedly tested and withstood abuse, carelessness, depression, discrimination, egotism, narccisism, overindulgence, poverty, pridefulness, misunderstanding, rejection, and tragedy. This is the reason why I am so deeply determined to attend The Oblate School of Theology Sankofa Institute for African American Pastoral Leadership in the future and to energetically pursue their Online Master of Arts in Spirituality Program. I declare to all who are kind enough to listen that I have been fully tested and that I am ready to responsibly and sensitively engage others in the battle of self-discovery and self-actualization and in learning to steadfastly walk by faith so that they may function in the world as African American Christians who have a spiritual practice of affirmative prayer, contemplation, fellowship, social service, and study and worship.
Thank you for your support and God bless you!
JD
Letting go of your angst